Signs the Apocalypse is upon us

Lawmakers in Newark, N.J., have lost their minds. They’re demanding that small restaurants post a guard on the premises after 9 p.m. And they really mean small. The mandate applies only to establishment with fewer than 15 customers a night, though it’s unclear how the traffic level will be verified. Obviously those places couldn’t afford to add a rent-a-cop. Why not just set a curfew of 9? As it is, a place that failed to comply would have to close by 10. Or, better yet, why not try to stop crime through law enforcement, not a crushing business burden?

It was just a matter of time, though the circumstances were somewhat of a surprise: Prince William is figuring into a restaurant promotion. It’s being waged not by a place on his West Coast itinerary, but in Washington, D.C. The new Café Rio Mexican Grill said it’ll add a burrito or salad to any order for a mere dollar during the three-day Prince William Extra deal, part of the fast-casual restaurant’s opening festivities. If you’re wondering about Café Rio, I have it on highest authority—its press release—that it’s the best restaurant in the country.

Local media are reporting that a waitress at a P.F. Chang’s in Connecticut was beaten by two women because she refused to split their check three ways. The assailants were arrested and identified as members of the dance troupe that performs with rapper Lil Wayne. According to the coverage, the duo and a third person in their party asked the unidentified waitress to divvy up their check. The server demurred, explaining that they should’ve let her know ahead of time that they’d need separate checks. After some friction, the guests departed but came back to get a cell phone they said they’d left. The argument resumed, and a fight erupted.

There's no word yet of security guards being mandated.