Putting some merry olde English on gift card sales

 A reading from the sacred sales scripture of Hallmark Cards:   

And the idea came unto them who were called marketers: If-ith  thou can silence the swine in Finance with the merciful sales of a special occasion, why canst thou not create more special occasions? Why, if Mother’s Day proves bountiful, could there not be a Secretary’s Day, a De-Louse Your Wench Day, a Thank the Hangman Tuesday?   

And so it was done, and many greeting cards were sold.   

And thus it came unto the special breed known as restaurant marketers: If-ith thou sold a shit-load of gift cards for the year-end holidays, couldst thou not invent another time to push-eth the cards like hell?   

And so were born the new restaurant card occasions, known to those far and near as Father’s Day and graduation. Merrymakers would christen the opportunity “Dads & Grads.”   

Few were the early converts—sage seers like Buffalo Wild Wings, which gave a $5 kickback to anyone buying a $20 card for males who hath spawned or youngsters who had known the chalk. Sonic, too, waved the banner, though it focused on the family and friends of graduates.   

Others, like Hooters, promoted myrrh and other presents specifically for Dads & Grads, but failed to offer gift cards. Still, industrious bloggers frequently checked the website, just to be certain. Perhaps would-be recipients feared the battle axe of Mom or Wife.   

Soon, many of the fork were featuring gift cards as a standard choice for Dads & Grads. The magic of the cards would wane as (Burger) King and clown all hawked their versions. But the sellers savored the spring sales bump, and the investors amongst them rejoiced and grew mellow with wine.   

And thus it came to be that Hallmark  introduced its Glad You’re Out of Rehab  and Enjoy Your Ferrari cards.